Gundam WEED
by Disturbed Insomniac
Summary: A parody based on nothingness, randomness of a twisted tired mind, cookies, and maybe a solid plot line on top of that... read and find out! CHAPTER 10 FINALLY POSTED!
1. This is only the begining

**CAUTION:**** THIS STORY ****MAY**** CONTAIN SCENES OF ****FLAY**** AND ****CROT BUER****, WHICH MAY LEAD TO UNWANTED FEARFUL EXPERIENCES… READER DISCRETION HIGHLY ADVISED. ANOTHER IMPORTANT WARNING WOULD BE THAT THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY IS CURRENTLY IN DIRE NEED OF SLEEP, VODKA, AND A LIFE… THESE NEEDS MAY AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THE STORY….ENJOY!!!**

**Gundam WEED Chapter: 1 This Is Only The Beginning**

Djibril was eating corn in that room place he is always found hanging around. You know, that room with the pool table, the many tv screens, the booze and his cat? Anyways, he was happily petting his cat as he ate his corn, spinning on a computer chair. (Djibril reminds me of the bad guy from Inspector Gadget for some reason… it must be because of his kitty-cat…)

His cell phone rang suddenly so he picked it up.

"Hellooo?"

"Hello, Pizza Pizza, how may I help you?"

"Stop fooling around, what do you want!" said Djibril bluntly.

"Um, sorry sir. You have a very important conference call with the chairman of PLANT."

"Oh yeah… I forgot… connect him then." Ordered Djibril as he applied his CoverGirl mauve lipstick onto his dry wrinkly lips. Dullindal's calm face appeared on the bigger centre screen of Djibril's room of screens.

"Hello Djibril… long time no see." Said Dullindal, very smoothly.

"Why the hell are you calling me now? I'm eating corn do you mind? Do you know what happens to people who interfere with my precious corn time?"

"We have important issues to discuss, remember?"

"Can't we wait until I finish my corn?"

"No. It is necessary that we discuss these issues immediately. Should I put chili sauce or yogurt sauce in my cereal?"

"Both. Put both. That's how it makes my precious corn taste tasty."

"I see." Said Dullindal as he slowly nodded his head. "Did you know that 90 percent of your stupid planet's corn is genetically fooled around with?"

"WHAT!?" Exclaimed Djibril as he fell from his chair. A tiny piece of corn traveled from in between Djibril's teeth all the way to the back of his throat, blocking his airways, leading him to choke.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Shit, Djiblit you're funny!" said Dullindal laughing loud as his face still remained calm, and as his eyes remained glazed and free of all emotion.

"Ahhh.. Kwagh…" Djibril was choking, twitching on the floor. His plate fell from his hand and shattered on the hardwood floor, making a corny mess all over the place. His fork flew from his other hand, landing directly into his cat's eye. Dullindal kept on laughing until Djibril eventually composed himself.

"You are one funny guy, Djiblit…. Hahaha"

"For your big fat information, my name is Djibril! Not Djiblit!"

"I see."

"What's with that smoke in the background anyways?"

"Weed, man… I'm smoking up a joint. Would you like to join me?"

"Fuck no! There is no way in the world I would be caught smoking Coordinator crack!"

"But I just caught you eating coordinator corn."

"That's not the point! I know one thing for sure that Natural pot is better than any shit Coordinators smoke. Its truly pure, unfooled around with, and … and .. it's just better!"

"So you think. You're just saying that cuz you can't handle my stash!"

"Any weed Coordinators could grow, Naturals could grow better!"

"Coordinator smoke better weed that Naturals do."

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do!"

"Oh yeah?" said Djibril all pumped up in the argument

"Oh yeah!" said Dullindal just like the Kool-Aid jug.

"Bring it on, bitch!"

"Damn right! This means WAR!"

So, there began the war between Earth and PLANT over whether Naturals or Coordinators had the best stash of happy grass.

And, now, Lacus Clyne will perform the opening song, _Fields of Dope_… because I said so.

Hello? Lacus? Get your head out of the clouds and start singing NOW before I kill you! We don't have all day now! Sheesh……

"Oh, sorry, Narrator…. Teehee… Here goes!"

'Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

And peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

And peace and love,

**CHORUS:**

We dance all day long in a field of smiling

Little yellow laughing flowers

And everyday we appreciate our daze,

And we always smile

Fields of dope

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

And peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

Peace and love, and peace and love,

And peace and love,

CHORUS 

And the days and the hours go so fastly

And all the colours are flying by

It's a supper trip

Don't forget to smell the

Feilds of dope

La la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la la

FIELDS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

**Well, That's t for now… This is just the intro. The next chapter will be about… Hey! I wont tell you now! Read and find out for yourself, because I am holding a gun to the back of your head right now at this second. So if you don't review and keep reading, I will blow your brains out. However, if you do review and keep reading, I will reward you with a few joints. If you do not smoke pot, I will reward you with chocolate. If you do no like chocolate, too bad, you get nothing for continuing. Toodles noodles!**


	2. interlude

**Gundam WEED Chapter 2 Interlude**

And so the war was on! Coordinators and Naturals began their ruthless war which lasted several hours until Kira, who happened to be walking down the street, asked himself: "Self! Why are we all fighting?"

Heine, who was vending hot-dogs at a nearby street corner, watching a bunch of mobile suits waste fuel and kill each other answered the brown-haired, purple-eyed cry baby: "I know…. Why is everyone fighting like this when we could all have a FOODFIGHT INSTEAD?!"

Kira turned towards the mustard-like haired hot dog vendor with glee in his sparkly eyes.

"Wow, Mr. Hot dog vendor! What a great idea!"

"The name's Heine, but most customers call me Heinz." Said Heinz as he pointed his finger upwards and winked. He then threw a raw hamburger patty and hit Kira's face.

Kira then peeled the raw bloody patty from his face and threw it in a random direction, which ended up hitting a random stranger in the back of the head, causing that person to fall down on the asphalt face first.

Eventually, the full-scaled war became a full-scaled food fight. Mobile suit pilots got out of their units and everyone raided the grocery stores and street-side markets, got food, and started throwing it around in glee.

Then, several hours of senseless throwing food around, Cagalli climbed on top of a hill with a microphone, where everyone could see her, and yelled: "Hey people! Let's al go to the bar and get hammered!!!"

Everyone shouted "Hooray!" and headed to the bars, and had a good time drinking and whatnot, thus, making the war end.

**I hope you have enjoyed this short interlude. After this, the real randomness of the story really begins, so keep reading. (Because Athrun's in it!… And if you don't keep reading, you don't get free cookies and ice cream… or any of Heine's hot-dogs!)**


	3. Wake up with the king!

**Chapter 3 Wake Up With The King!**

Athrun woke up to a traumatizing nightmare that involved Nicol, Kira and Meer wearing pink tutus, chasing him around with cleavers and forks. He opened his eyes and turned on his lamp and realized that he wasn't in his room… he was

SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!

Before another thought could enter his mind, he felt a hand clench his right leg beneath the covers.

_Oh my fucking God! Not again…._

"MEER!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FUCKING TELL YOU TO STOP COMING INTO MY ROOM AND SLEEP WITH ME!!! DAMMIT!!!!!" Yelled Atrun, obviously frustrated as he kicked the clutched hand off with his other foot.

" Ouch!" whimpered a rather low voice from beneath the covers. "Who's Meer anyways?"

_If that's not who I think it is… then…_ Thought Athrun as he panicked inside.

The mysterious person beneath the sheets finally sat up and reveiled his idenity.

Athrun's jaw dropped… "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! IT CANT BE!!!!!" yelled Athrun in shock as he stared the Burger King right in the face. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!! I DEMAND AN ANSWER!!! NOW!!" Athrun was petrified. He leaped backwards out of the bed, only to notice that he was wearing nothing but his birthday suit.

_Where the fuck are my damn clothes!! That's it… I'm never gonna drink like that again!_

"Why do you look so embarrassed, Athrun… you didn't look embarrassed last night when we--"

"Who the hell are you, and where are my clothes!?" asked Athrun, now very paranoid.

"Why would you care at a time like this?" said the Burger King in a soft seductive but disturbingly low voice. "You didn't care before." Burger King stood up and approached Athrun slowly while he pointed his index finger upwards and winked.

_OMG! HE'S NOT WEARING ANYTHING EITHER!!!!!_

Athrun ran out of the strange room he had found himself in with that Burger King character. He didn't know where he was, or where he was going.

He ran around in the dark hallway, until he found another door and entered it and quickly slammed the door behind him.

"Oh, Athrun! Where are you?"

Athrun was paniking… big time…Cold sweat drops trickled down Athrun's petrified face, until he had an idea.

"Ah ha!" exclaimed Athrun to himself as he thought of the perfect escape plan. Sweat drops dripped down onto the floor's tiles as Athrun ripped the transparent shower curtain covered in cute little yellow duckies from its pole, and jumped out the window, not knowing what awaited him outside the window.

His panic intensified even more when he realized that he was falling down from a 55 feet tall building.

The rubber ducky shower curtain served as a parachute as Athrun floated his way down, blushing in embarrassment caused by all the eyes, pointing fingers and laughter that got only louder the lower he got.

As Athrun looked at the far horizon, trying to escape the many pairs of staring eyes, and he noticed something awesome that could save his life. He found his sizzlin' black car, so he floated his way towards his car, ignoring the insulting comments the gazing people made our poor Athrun's little… well… you know…..

(… or do you? I'll give you one chance to guess what they ere all laughing… 5…4…3…2… oooh drumroll!….1!

…

…..

…….

…

…

EWWW!!! What were you thinking! They were laughing at Athrun's little duckies on the shower curtain… get your head checked… jeez….anyways, moving on…)

Athrun finally made his way into the driver's seat of his opened roof car. He then realized that the seat didn't quite feel like it ought to feel. _Oh shit… WTF!?!_ Thought Athrun as he landed on something crunchy. Not only was it crunchy, but it was also soggy, smooshy and smelled like jalapeño peppers. _What did I get myself into THIS time? _Thought Athrun as the tip of his ears became redder from anger.

"Hey Athrun! Get off my taco!" cried Kira from the back seat of the car.

"Kira? What are YOU doing in MY car, and why the hell did you place a TACO in the driver's seat!?!?"

"Well, Athrun, ummmm…" Kira was sweating in fear and his pupils shrunk in panic.

"Well…. Come on Kira! What are you afraid of all of a sudden?"

"You… you broke the Italian taco from Portugal!"

"And? There's nothing scary about a broken taco in a driver's seat of a car."

"You have no idea! Did you ever hear the legend of the broken Italian taco from Portugal?"

"What the fuck are you rambling about now?"

"It is told that if you put an Italian taco from Portugal on a driver's seat of a car and if it's broken, he who breaks it is doomed by surprise punishment from a fat man wearing nothing but a cat mask and a matching thong that dances around with a whip."

"Did you get that out of your 'Corrupted Fairy Tales' books again?"

"Athrun!" Kira was insulted, "how dare you deny the truth the Books of Corrupted Fairy Tales ? All those legends are TRUE, I tell you, TRUUUUEEEE!!!"

"Geez Kira, you're so gullible, if Cagalli, your OWN sister went up to you and told you she was a guy you'd believe her!"

"Cagalli's a girl?…. who would have thought.." pondered Kira.

"Never mind, Kira" sighed Athrun with growing impatience, "The point is, that there is no such thing as an Itallian taco anyways."

"Hmmmmm…." Kira still pondered about Cagalli, not even aware of Athrun's current frustration. Something suddenly caught Kira's attention, "Athrun! Watch out!"

"Wha--" before Athrun could finish his word, a blunt bump sound followed by a sharp pain to his blue-haired head and his vision faded to black faster than a blinking light.

**(Later on)**

_ow… what the fuck is going on now?… _asked a very confused and frustrated Athrun to himself as a throbbing pain from the back of his head awoke him.

"Where am I now?!" asked Athrun as he opened his now bloodshot fearful eyes. He was still dressed in that ducky shower curtain. The walls around him were of cement, decorated with rusted chains and sharp bleeding surgical tools, saws both dull as a butter knife and as sharp as a filet knife.

"That's not what you have to worry about, Athrun…" Athrun turned slowly towards a soft, familiar voice. He winced and shrieked and even cried for his puppy-plushy as the stranger in the Burger-King mask, wearing nothing but a neon thong, rubbing peanut butter all over his immense, I mean, disturbingly HUGE beer belly.

"Oh no, Athrun. No need to fear me one bit, sine it's peanut butter belly time! Woooohooo!!!"

**Well, this is all for now…. What happens to Athrun? … no clue… might never know… depends on my mood, my thoughts and of course, your reviews!!! So, tell me what you think, that is, if you value your strawberry wafer in vanilla ice cream!!! Muaha! Don't ask about that… it's 3:04 AM right now, so my brain is pretty fried… not that you care anyways…. I'll post the next chapter hopefully in the end of the week for those who are interested…. **


	4. Check Out This Um Limo?

**Here's the next one… Sorry for the long update... Enjoy or else I'll stab you with a plastic fork!**

**Gundam**** WEED Chapter**** 4: Check out this um…. Limo?**

Murue was in her kitchen fixing up some peanut buter bacon sandwhiches. It was a Monday morning that felt very much like an afternoon for some odd, odd reason.

_I wonder if the clock __g__nomes are __turning my clocks back time, I KNOW it! _Thought Murure as she placed the last slice of bacon onto her (what you can call a) culinary masterpiece. Her phone rang before she could take a bite of her meal.

"Shit! Where the hell did I put that damn hello-phone!" exclaimed Murue as she flipped couches over, pushed tables aside and even took the sink apart in search of her phone until she found it in the bathtub.

"Helloo?" she said as she picked up her phone.

"Hey babe! Remember me? The _hot_ guy that took you on _awesome_ dates every day last week?" said a familiar voice on the other line.

"Um… is that you, Mu?"

"You betcha! And today I intend on taking you on the best date _ever!_"

"Um… but today I have to…" Murue paused as she thought of an excuse to avoid Mu today. He was really good looking, but his behavior kind of hung on the 'strange' side.

"But today you have to what?" said Mu, on the brink of being let down.

"Um… today I have to watch my neighbor's ex's daughter's cousin's puppy."

"Nice try lady, I know an excuse when I smell one! Come on! Tell me why you won't accept my next wonderful offer in offering you a great time."

"Well, no offense buddy, but, um… I find your idea of 'fun dates' rather…. How can I put it…"

"Lame?"

"Yes. Lame."

"But why _lame_? It's such a harsh word." Said Mu as his throat clammed up and tears laid near the exit of his eye sockets. "But Murue, my dear! I promise you this time it will be funner, since I intend on taking you on a ride in a _limo!_" he then said with newfound joy.

"A limo?"

"Yes, a limo! So what do ya say now?"

"Alright, alright! I'll go, I'll go!" Accepted Murue as she jumped in glee. (Weeeee!) _Maybe this guy isn't so lame __afterall_

"YAY! I'm so happy to hear that! Wait for me at the corner of Pickle Street and Scuba Avenue in ten minutes and thirty nine seconds!"

"Alrighty!"

"Oh, and don't forget to bring some change."

"Ok…See ya then." said Murue puzzled as she hung up the phone and gathered some change. She changed into something nicer than pajamas and brushed her hair quickly then headed out the door towards the corner to await her prince-charming-in-a-limo.

She waited at the corner for a while, until se noticed a bus slow down in her direction. To her surprise, it stopped and opened up its doors. To her even bigger surprise, the man in the driver's seat was Mu. He signaled her to enter the bus.

"Mu! What is the meaning of this? I thought you said you were going to pick me up in a LIMO! Why are you driving this bus anyways?"

"I didn't tell you? This is my job."

"But you told me you were a plumber on our past dates!"

"Well.. um I thought a plumber was more impressive than a bus driver… please enter your extra change here. You have to pay your fare like everyone else here, by the way."

"I can't believe I fell for another one of your _awesome_ ideas of fun… you and your LAME LIMO!"

"But a bus is long and has many seats. With imagination it could become a limo. With more imagination, it might even become a boat, a plane or even a green elephant with purple stripes and yellow antennas!"

"You really ARE a FREAK! No wonder you're still fucking single!" yelled Murue in outrage. She pushed the door open with all of her might and jumped out of the bus while it was still in motion. Mu quickly slammed the breaks as Murue landed on her feet.

"What's wrong Murue-hunni-boo?"

"Your face! And everything else about you! You know what? You're so weird, I bet your own mother disowned you because you're such a freak!"

"How.. did you .. know?" asked Mu in astonishment as tears rolled down his face. He closed his door and drove away. He was so saddened by Murue's words that he drove off a bridge, into a river (that happened to be made of gasoline and other explosive chemicals) and it exploded. (BABOOOOM!)

Murue watched the pieces of the bus and fragments of Mu's and the passenger's bodies fly all over and rain into the river and onto the bridge. She giggled evilly as she was releived Mr. Mu would never EVER ask her out on a _lame_ date EVER again. Sting Oakley, who happened to be there at the exact same time, was lauging at the eplosion that apeared to him randomly.

"Hehehe… Explosions are so fun to watch!" said Sting calmly as he enjoyed the sight of flames flying and carcases burning to ashes in the air.

"You bet they are! Especially when lots and lots of people are involved. I should have brought my hairspray along. It would have made—hey you okay?" asked Murue as the booger green haired walking fashion statement suddenly started to gasp in a panicked state.

"Hey, why do you look so scared all of a sudden? You were enjoying the explosion just seconds ago." Asked Murue with concern as she placed a hand on Oakley's shoulder. He slapped her hand away and began panting and screaming in delerious fear:

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h…..HAIRSPRAY!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! AAAAAHHH! NO! PLEASE! HAIRSPRAY! … STAY…AWAY…. HH-H-H-H-H-H-AIR-SPRAY…. MY EYES! MY EYEEEEES!!!! NO! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Hairspray's nothing to fear, you nutbar!" A cruel grin appeared on Murue's face. _Let's have fun with this kid… __muahahaha_

"Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray, Hairspray!"

Sting's pupils shrunk as he started to pull his hair from his scalp as if it was grass.

"AAAHHH! HELP!! MY EYES.. NOOO….NO! HAIRSPAY!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Sting ran away from Murue and the exiting explosion in great agonizing anxiety and fear and this chapter ends here since I ran out of things to say for the time being.

**Here it is... Don't mind spelling mistakes.. I haven't corrected it at all, so take it as it is...Now review before I pull out my chainsaw and.. and, well, you know...**

** I won't be posting as often as promised (I never did, but oh well) because my excuse is school... For those of you who are reading Kagari No Monagatari, sorry for the delay in the postage, and I'm still torn between various plot lines, so that one will take a longer while before I post... If you haven't looked at it yet, do it now and tell me what you think! (or else...)  
**


	5. Ride My Tuna!

**Disclaimer: The tuna [Feesh in this chapter belongs to me, so steal it and my tuna will kick your ass with its sharp fins of stainless steel!!!!**

**Gundam WEED Chapter 5: Ride My Tuna! **

Shinn was sitting on a beach by a small puddle-like lake, eating spinach dipped in BBQ sauce. A reeking scent of unclean old folk caused his stomach to twist and turn his spinach to wilt and his BBQ sauce to turn acid.

He turned around to see what caused the ruin of his precious snack only to see Athrun huffing and puffing for air wearing a funky looking clown costume with the brightest colours of the rainbow. He smelt like a mixture of strong cologne, Rothman's cigarettes and stale cotton candy.

"Athrun, why the hell do you smell and look bad?!" Asked Shinn, infuriated by the fact that his precious spinach was ruined.

"Huff… huff… long… story…." Athrun told Shinn what happened to him in the past 6 hours and fifteen minutes and three seconds and a half.

"Bullshit! You're such a liar Athrun!"

"It's true, with nothing but a shower curtain, I punched a clown out and stole his smelly clothes!" Said Athrun defensively.

"You're just making that stupid story up about that weirdo in a mask just to hide that you LIKE wearing clown clothes, and way too much cheap cologne, and you like to smell bad, and that you like bologna!" exclaimed Shinn as his ruby eyes flared up like hot tamales.

"Ewwww! Bologna is nasty shit and nothing proves that I like that! And you look like a… a… um… a bull with that anger wrinkled face of yours!"

"What? Wrinkle? Where?" said Shinn as he looked into the lake at his reflection. "Athrun, you're so dead!" Shinn charged at Athrun with immense rage, and they both started a humongous catfight. They scratched and yelled at each other like a couple of jealous schoolgirls.

"Yeah, well, you look like a…. AAAAHHH GIANT TUNA!!!" screamed Athrun squeakily in fear as a giant tuna I shall name Feesh jumped up from the lake and headed towards them with a mouth wide opened.

"Giant tuna? What the fuck?" said Shinn cluelessly before the evil scaled being swallowed them whole.

**Meanwhile, somewhere ****at the other side of the lake**

Dullindal was fishing with his eyes closed on the beach on the other side of Puddle Lake, as he munched on extra wiggly gummy worms and cheezies. He whistled the air of '_La Cucaracha'_, waiting, just waiting to catch something, ANYTHING for the sake of killing his infinite boredom. He eventually ran out of real worms, so he used his gummy worms instead.

Rey appeared next to him and asked: "What can I do… there's no one left in this town to kill and I'm bored… bored… boreeddeddddddededed."

"How'd you find your way all the way here, Rey?" asked Dullindal.

"I killed everyone I saw with my tomato gun. And now I'm bored. Give me something to do." Said Rey calmly.

"Go fetch me a diet rum and Coke and a sesame wheat blueberry bagel. That should keep you busy for a while.

Dullindal sat waiting for a fish to bite his line, and for the requested items. He eventually fell asleep, still desperately clinging to his fishing line.

**Back within Feesh the giant tuna from the puddle lake**

Feesh swam deeper and further with two fugitives trapped inside her happy tummy. Popsicle sticks and soggy ice cream cones were also captives in Feesh's stomach.

Athrun and Shinn were uncomfterably [Either the spell check it a retard, or I'm losing my English… tangled up within Feesh, doing their usual arguing and complaining fits.

"Yeah, well, you like cheese puffs!" snapped Shinn out of nowhere after a brief moment of awkward silence.

"What's wrong with cheese puffs?" squeaked Athrun angrily in a high pitch, "by the way, your elbow is stabbing my spleen… ow, my wonderful spleeeeen!"

"Fuck your spleen. Your toe-nails.. um… claws are piercing through the flesh of my neck! Any longer, they'd slice my jugular."

"Your point is? The longer they are, the sexier they are."

"Have you ever heard of nail clippers before? By the way, good luck in finding a loser who'd be into long gross, dangerous toenails."

"But, clipping toe nails is scary!" whined Athrun on the verge of crying. "Don't make me clip them… NEVER!"

Shinn grinned evilly after fining out of his rival's biggest phobia. "The nail clippers are gonna eeeeaaaaat yoooooouuuu!" Sang Shinn in mockery. Athrun was soon panicking and freaking out.

"KEEP THE FUCKING NAILCLIPPERS AWAY!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!" Athrun started to wiggle like a frightened worm, which caused his left foot to escape Shinn's neck, and slash a giant gash into his shoulder.

"OW! For crying out loud! I'm fucking bleeding!" whimpered Shinn in pain as blood oozed from his newly injured shoulder.

Athrun kept on yelling and wiggling around in fear over nail clippers for hours and hours, until he suddenly dozed off.

He woke up 5 minutes later, wondering what had happened. Shinn was too groggy from blood loss to answer. He was as pale as a kid who just had rolled around in a sea of flour.

"I just remembered something." Said Athrun out of nowhere.

"What now, asshole?" asked Shinn, now too tired to snap or sound as pissed off as he was.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO TUNA!"

"We've been in one's stomach for hours, and you just thought of it NOW?" Yelled Shinn, forgetting that he was gushing blood.

Athrun started to grow itchy hives all over his body. Not that he was itchy enough in that uncomfortable clown outfit. (anything is better than a rubber ducky shower curtain anyways.) He also began hyperventilating, which made the situation even less fun.

"Great…" sighed Shinn unenthusiastically. (this word has 18 letters in it b the way… I just thought I would share that with you… anyways…)

They suddenly felt a jerk and Feesh's speed increase.

**And now back with Dully and his fishing pole!**

Dullindal awoke as something violently pulled at his fishing line.

"I'm back!" Said Rey, with no emotion. Boredom overflowed in his eyeballs.

"Wait a minute! I finally got one!"

"One what?"

"A fish, dumbass!"

"Oh…" said Rey, not caring.

"Come help me reel it in! I think it's a big one!"

"In a puny lake like this?"

"Just do it!"

"Yes sir!" Rey dropped the requested dink and bagel (and contaminated it! Oh dear! What a crime!)

They reeled for about 17 minutes, until a giant tuna, with a tiny hook through its mouth, popped out of the water and landed on shore, right next to Rey and Dullindal. They stared at it with eyes as wide as the sea.

"Holy shit! Its' a giant tuna!"

"Watch your language, Rey!"

"Look! It's wiggling… hahaha. Wait… Do you hear that?" Asked Rey as cries came from within the tuna.

"It's probably just an animal it ate."

"No… It sounds like it's saying 'help! Help!' in there."

"Don't be silly Rey, little animals don't talk."

"Can I cut it open and see?" Rey's eyes glittered with excitement as he pulled a plastic filet knife from his pocket.

At the sight of the threatening plastic knife, Feesh wiggled defensively (or should I say defenselessly?) and projectile vomited all over Dullindal and Rey. Feesh then hopped back into the lake and swam off.

"My lunch!" exclaimed Dullindal in deep despair.

"Look! Boddies!" exclaimed Rey as he spotted two bodies at the end of the trail of upchuck. "It's not just bodies! It's Shinn and Athrun!"

"Really?" asked Dullindal as he approached the half-dead, half digested boys. "How did you two manage to find your way in that thing?"

"It.. appeared.. and… ate… us…" said Shinn, shivering from the cold he had endured for hours and hours.

"So … so itchy!" said Athrun, as his hives inflated like red party balloons.

"Use your fucking toenails… Do me a favour and cut your head off with them while you're at it!"

"Now, stop arguing, before I drown you both." Said Dulindal to shut them up, and look at that, it worked!

Rey kneeled down to examine Shinn and Athrun's wounds. "Does anyone need a kiss?"

"No!" They both shouted, "Motrin will be just fine, thanks!" They both said at the same time.

THE END! For now…

**Here's chapter four of this rant of randomossity… I know I was supposed to finish this whole story a LONG time ago, but let's just say that shit happened, ok? ****Don't forget to REVIEW, otherwise Feesh will eat you too! Muahahahaha!**


	6. Mimes, Pizza Pockets, Ice Cream Trucks

**Here's the next chapter, which I wrote on March 8th 2006, in case you wanted to know… This story has been floating inside my writing practice papers, and my brain, for about 2 years now… I got rid of al**** ot of things… this is the before last chapter (I hope) because I would like to get it done before the end of the year. I was supposed to finish it last year, but shit happened, and events snowballed, and it was really REALLY hard to write anything for a while. (This is what MDD does to ya…) anyways… here goes**

** Gundam WEED**** Chapter 7 Mimes, Pizza Pockets, Ice Cream Trucks, And … No Cheese?**

Flay was flipping couch cushions around, in search for a quarter, since she was in dire need to call someone who cared. (What she didn't know was that no one cared about her…. But we don't need to tell her that, now do we?)

She got tired of searching, so she headed towards the kitchen, towards the freezer, in order to grab the last 37.7634 calorie Pizza Pocket.

Meyrin was practicing her act as a mime in the corner of the kitchen.

When she got there, Yzak already had his arm in the freezer. His fingers were barely touching Flay's desired snack until a chair hit him from behind, causing him to fall on the floor.

"Ouch! Like, what the fuck man!"

"It's MINE!" yelled Flay in Yzak's face as she snatched the Pizza Pocket from the open freezer.

Yzak sprung up as fast as he fell, and jumped onto Flay, pulled her red hair until the Pizza Pocket slipped from her hands. Before Yzak could reach it, Flay scratched his face with her kitty-cat claws.

"MY FACE!! Oh no you di'n't! Bitch! You're so gonna pay!" he scratched her back with the same intensity.

"Ah! Now I'm ugly! Just like you!" cried Flay as she wiped the blood from her face. She had wiped her face with the hand she was holding the Pizza Pocket in, so she dropped it without realizing.

"Catch me if you can, penny whore!" Said Yzak from the other end of the room, gripping the Pizza Pocket lovingly with both his hands.

"What did you call me?" yelled an enraged Flay as she jolted across the room to bitch slap Yzak, but she missed. Instead, Yzak tripped her.

"You heard me! PENNY WHORE!" said Yzak mockingly, "you sleep with anyone, and everyone, but me of course, for money. Do you take interact too? How about sandwich cards?"

"Your turn to catch me if you can, bitch!" yelled Flay with the Pizza Pocket, who was now in the living room. "At least I don't wear a granny wig!" Meyrin was still placing hands on the invisible walls around her, in the same corner, unaware of the amusing cat fight in front of her.

As Flay and Yzak spent countless hours bitch slapping and scratching each other, the Pizza Pocket ended up falling on the floor…

They had forgotten what they were fighting for, and the poor 37 calorie Pizza Pocket had no one who would eat it… until Cagalli entered the room, and spotted it.

"YAY! FOOD!" Cagalli snatched it from the cat-fighters and inhaled it as if it was a mere puf of air. "Need.. more… FOOD!" she headed towards the fridge and emptied its contents within seconds.

Both Flay and Yzak stopped in shock, and almost cried when their beloved Pizza Pocket was gone. GONE! They headed towards Cagalli, whose mouth was now stuffed with marshmallows and grapes. Their tummies and their throats growled at the one who stole their food of life.

Meyrin was still miming in that same corner, right beside the back door, if I haven't mentioned it before.

"What are you twigs looking at?" Snapped Cagalli at both bitches, as she chewed on the marshmallows and grapes in her mouth. "Where's Athrun anyways? I need my punching bag!"

"Fuck, who knows." Said Yzak, "And who cares anyways? He's always screwing stuff up for everyone anyways! Like that one time, during a ZAFT Camp meeting for example…"

** ENTER FLASHBACK[this part parodies ep. 14 of GS by the way**

All of the members of ZAFT Camp stared at Athrun, who was standing, staring blankly into space before everyone.

"ATHRUN! On with the damn report!" yelled a really impatient Patrick Zala as he slammed his fists on the table. "These fists will be punching more than this table if you don't speak up!"

"Yes dad... um, I mean Sir!" Said Athrun as he snapped out of a nervous thought. "Sorry for the stall, everyone, and now with my long anticipated report! Ahem …"

"Athrun!" Patrick's burning stare made Athrun's eyes melt and sizzle from his sockets.

Sweat poured from his forehead until he finally said what was in his report:

"Want your kids to leave home? Stop cooking with cheese!" Athrun quickly sat back at his place, waiting for the council's answer on his report.

All the members of the council started whispering and muttering: "Ooooooooooooooooooh,Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup! Ah hun, ah hun, ah hun, ah hun!" By the end of this rant, they were yelling. They all stopped and looked for Patrick's verdict.

…

….

…..

……..(DRUMROLL!)…

……

….

He stood up, and with the movement of his lips he said: "From now on, it is now illegal to eat, or cook with cheese in the PLANT Camp, and also in the whole world, and the whole entire universe!"

The council mutterd and whispered again: Ooooooooooooooooooh,Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup! Ah hun, ah hun, ah hun, ah hun!" After 5 minutes of that, they stood up, started to do the funky munky dance, and yelled:

"NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup! NO CHEEEEEESE!"

They even clapped their hands to a steady beat, and repeated the same thing over and over, louder and louder, faster and faster, for about 6 hours and 13 minutes.

Athrun floated in his room, depressed and embarrassed by the new law that he caused with his stupid report.

Nicol played his piano a the other end of the room, and sang "I've Got The Blues," since, because of his supposed best buddy, he could no longer eat Kraft Dinner.

Yzak entered the room and slapped Athrun silly. "Because of you, asshole, I can't eat cheese anymore!" Before he could finish his sentence, an ice cream truck flew through the window and smashed its way through Nicol, the piano, and the wall the piano stood against.

"NICOL! NO!" Yelled both Athrun and Yzak as they saw their friend get squashed to death by the random incoming ice cream truck.

** END FLASHBACK**

What does Nicol's death have to do with Athrun fucking everything up?" Asked Cagalli as she poked at the loose floor tile.

"It made me sad!" whined Yzak as tears almost overflowed from his ice-blue eye balls.

Meyrin was still acting mime-like in her little corner, when suddenly, Luna entered the kitchen and said "Hey sis! What's up?" as she slapped Meyrin's back in a friendly manner.

Meyrin then broke in two, and her top half fell down. Her arms still moved like a mime's, in spite of her bottom half, still standing, spewed streamers all over the place. (You thought I was gonna say blood, eh? Dint' you?)

"Oooooh! Pretty streamers!" said everyone in the room, in a trancelike state.

Suddenly, a boy in gangsta clothes , and lots of bling, entered the room. Two beavers, also dressed in gangsta clothes, followed him inside.

"Yo, yo yo biatches! 5Cent is in da house!"

"Nicol, is that you?" asked an astonished Yzak.

"Damn right, y'all!" exclaimed Nicol, or what he now like to be called, 5Cent.

"Didn't you die or something?" asked Cagalli, no confused like everyone else. Before she could accuse Yzak of lying, 5Cent said:

"I sure did!"

"Then why are you.. um… still alive?"

"Welcome to da world of GS/D. If they can kill off mister Mu-cow, and bring him back pathetically in the stupidest way in the world, I could come back to life too!" said 5Cent as he tilted his pimp hat and crossed his arms.

(Did you notice how Flay completely vanished from this story? Does anyone care? Did you also notice that this chapter is now over? Fini? Kaput? Prout!)

**Wow, that one was longer than I expected… I could have added more, but it's almost exam time, and I have to… what's that fucking word again.. oh yeah.. study. Which blows lots of bum bubbles. **

**Well, I pretty much ran out of stuff for this story, but don't stop here! I still have the finale to write, and that depends on how much you REVIEW! And if you don't review RIGHT NOW, I will run you over with that ice cream truck!**


	7. Would You Drink Anything Else To Like?

**This chapter is based on ****a skit my buddy and I wrote in Spanish class. Enjoy[I really should be studying for the final exams.. EEP! Note to self: Sleep deprevation BAD!**

**Chapter 7 : ****"¿Would You Drink Anything Else To Like?"(MARSHMALLOW!)**

Dearka sat on his lay-Z boy, as bored as a roasted marshmallow, when suddenly, suddenly, his telephone rang! And it rang again. And once again. And again, until hi finally picked it up.

"Yello?" no one answered him. (enter suspense-full music ) "HELLO! For crying out loud! Answer me dammit!" But there was still no answer. Not now, never. So he hung up and chugged another big gulp of vanilla-marshmallow Pepsi.

5 seconds and a half later, the phone rang again.

"Ah! Marshmallows!" he muttered before he picked it up. "What now? You son of a marshmallow bitch!"

"How dare you call your girlfriend by that name! Shame on you mister-pajama-pants!"

"Oh, Miriallia, it's you… um.. sorry, I guess." Said Dearka, almost wishing he hadn't splurted those words out. _Since when are we going out anyways? WTM?_(Can you guess what the M stands for?)

"I'm bored." Said Miriallia from the other line.

"I'm hungry!" replied Dearka, followed by a loud smelly belch. "Let's go to a cheap fancy restaurant."

"Nice suggestion! Pick me up in 20 minutes in your red Ferrari!" Ordered Miriallia before she hung up to fast.

"I don't have a damn Ferrari, I have a tie-dye pickup!" said Dearka to himself. He put on a somewhat nice undershirt and a pea-green vest, and went to pickup and left his foyer.

**15.7**** minutes later**

Dearka exited his truck and headed towards the front door. He grabbed a few dandelions from the ground before knocking at the door. (Knock, knock, knock!)

"Who's there!" said a voice from behind the door.

"Your date!" answered Dearka. The door finally opened, and it was too late for Dearka to realize that he had the wrong address.

"Sorry, sir, I don't have any dates to spare, but I do have lots and lots of marshmallows!" said a creepy looking dude/chick thing with periwinkle hair. Dearka couldn't make out what this person's gender was.

He also smelled like pickle juice, just so you know.

The not so manly man's pupil's suddenly shrunk, and his periwinkle eyebrows made an angry shape.

"YOU! You pulled my pretty dandelions from the ground!" yelled the stranger.

Dearka began to run away, when he felt a blunt stiletto smash the back of his head. He then fell, got back up, and punched the periwinkle haired stranger with his dandelion filled fist.

"Then you can have them back, weirdo!" said Dearka, as he hopped into his tie-dye pickup and zoomed away.

_Where the hell is her house? __I'm starving! _46 minutes later, after driving all around the area, he finally found Miriallia's house. He only knew it was her house because she was sitting on the front steps with an evil look of impatience in her eyes.

"You're late! I told you to be here in 20 minutes! And what the hell is that piece of shit! It's not a Ferrari!" Chirped Miriallia like an angry little bird with flustered feathers.

"I got lost ok? And I don't own a Ferrari! Just get in the pickup and let's go to McMarshmallow's!" said Dearka in the same impatient tone.

**6 minutes later**

The not so couply couple entered McMarshmallow's fancy diner, and got a seat.

"Did you notice something?" asked Miriallia, who was wearing a ballerina outfit, in case I haven't mentioned it before.

"What?" asked Dearka, still hungry and bored.

"This place has no customers in it whatsoever."

"That's because I still haven't flipped the closed sign to open yet!" said Creuset from beside the table. He was holding a bottle of red wine, and a notepad to take orders. He was wearing the usual silly looking origami mask, but it was different from others. One lens was red, and the other was blue. It was a 3-D mask!( O.O ) (Those are so hard on the eyes…yay dizziness!)

Both Miriallia and Dearka stared at Creuset blankly, as he popped 3 valiums and 5 prozacs, followed by a gulp of whine.

"Would you like something to drink?" asked Creuset as he [simultanement poured wine in both Mirrialia and Dearka's glasses.

"Um.. thanks…" said Miriallia, unsure of was else to say.

"What would you like to eat?" asked Creuset as his head tilted slightly.

"I would like salad please, if it's fresh that is." Asked Miriallia.

"Of course our salad is fresh! It's green, yellow, and slimy, and it crawls, so you better eat it fast! It's also filled with lots of yummy nummy surprises, like onions, blue cheese, shoes, carrots, marshmallows, chocolate and more! It's a miss you can't deal out on!" Answered Creuset, "More to drink?" He poured more wine into his customer's glasses.

"No thanks then, sir. Um… Dearka, what would you like?" After Creuset's description of the salad, his insatiable hunger melted away like marshmallows in hot chocolate.

"I'll have some pop tarts and marshmallows please."

"Alrghty! Would you drink anything else to like?" said Creuset once again, as he poured wine in the flower vase instead of their glasses.

"Could you get our food please?" pleaded Miriallia as her anger boiled and bubbled through her veins.

"Yessssssss sirrrrrrr!" said Creuset as he chugged half of the wine bottle down and wobbled towards the kitchen.

When Creuset arrived in the kitchen, he grabbed a green loaf of bread and a box of marshmallow pop tarts. He approached the toaster, and it said:

"Toast or pop tarts?"

"Shit, Toaster, can't you let me thing for a flippin' second?" answered Creuset to the reflection in the toaster, which he believed was a being named Toaster.

"Well, what is it gonna be? I don't have all evening!" urged Toaster.

"I don't fucking rememberberrrrrr!" Yelled Creuset in a drunken rage. Toaster and Creuset ended up in a huge argument, that eventually led to a physical fight.

"It's over! OVER ,YOU HEAR?" yelled Creuset to Toaster.

"It's not like there was anything going on, you alkie!" snapped Toaster.

"I am NOT an alkiiiiie!" cried Creuset as he downed a twenty-sixer of rum. (Yum!)

Suddenly, a ski-doo, with someone in a ski-doo suit and helmet on, crashed into the kitchen and parked before Creuset. It took his 3-D glasses a while to notice what stood before him.

"Who are you?" Asked Creuset to the stranger before him.

"I'm the Michelin Man. Others call me Marshmallow. I'm here to talk to you!" Said the stranger.

"Wh-What do youuu waaaant?" asked Mr. Drunk dude as he chugged beer that appeared out of nowhere and popped more uppers.

"Be careful!" warned Toaster. But before Creuset could react, the Michelin Man snatched toaster and fled with him. Before he left the room, the Michelin man said:

"If you would have picked me instead of Toaster, none of this would have happened." And that's the last we see of the Michelin Man.

"NOOOOO!!!! TOASTER!!! TOASTER!!!!!! DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEE! PLEAASSSEEE!" cried Creuset so loud that all the windows of McMarshmallow's shattered, and half of the ceiling tiles flew off. Creuset then ran back to his customers' table to tell them about the bad news.

"What's with you, and where's our fucking food?" Asked Dearka in outrage to the crying drunken waiter.

"Would you like more to drink?" asked the alkie as he poured wine all over the floor. He then began sobbing uncontrollably. He wiped his tears and is boogers on the marshmallow coloured table nap.

"I have an idea," said Miriallia, "How about you take all the valium and wine you have with you down our throat, put some roller skates on and jump off a bridge!"

And that's what Creuset precisely did.

Marshmallow.

**That's it… I just spent the past 2 hours writing this instead of ****studying and doing my essays, so I better get good reviews! This is not the finale... I just got more ideas, enough for another 3 chapters! **

**Whoever guesses how ****many times the word marshmallow appears in this chapter wins a prize!**


	8. Beware of The Pickle Jar

**This following chapter is inspired by a (not so) traumatic event that happened in my life. **

**Gundam WEED Chapter 8: Beware of The Pickle Jar! (Based on a True Story)**

Kira and Athrun were sitting on the balcony of Shinn's apartment on a Saturday morning, just because they were bored. Kira forgot the keys to his house, so he couldn't get in, and Athrun lost his map, so he couldn't find his house either.

Shinn's apartment was on the 12th floor, so I really don't know how they got up there without entering the building, but all I know is that they were sitting there for about 15 hours, staring at the dots in the pretty grapefruit sky.

"I was thinking…if you were a cracker, what kind would you be?" pondered Athrun out loud.

"I don't know, Athrun. I think you need to find your map, so you could find your house, your bathroom, your medicine cabinet, and your Prozac. You're really starting to creep me out with your questions, dude." Said Kira caringly.

"No, Kira, I'm serious! If you were a CRACKER what kind could YOU be?" blurted Athrun a little louder than the first time the question slid from his lips to his friend's eardrums.

"Um… Ritz I guess." Answered Kira, not reallyknowing how to calm Athrun's nerves.

"What kind of Ritz? There is a grand variety of that sort."

"Don't go psycho on me yet, dude, we'll find your map eventually." Damn, I shouldn't have flushed it down the toilet after using it as ass-wiping material while I was stuck in the woods. Now I feel like the worst friend ever.

"Answer my question!" ordered an almost delusional Athrun.

"Um… What do you think suits me the best?" he asked as he tried to swallow his guilt.

"Ritz Scuba. The fishies and sea-horsies, and sharkies, and sea-monkeys and sea-cucumbers remind me of you for some really odd unknown reason."

"You are truly a nut-bar." Said Kira as he realized that there are no sea-monkey or sea cucumber shapes in Ritz Scuba. " What kind would you be, Athrun?"

"Wheat thins."

"Why is that?"

"Wheat thins. Crunchy. Munchy. Wheat thins. Yummy."

"Whatever, dude."

"Beware! Watch out!" said Athrun in sudden panic.

"What is it now?" sighed Kira in impatience.

"Beware… of the PICKLE JAR!!!!"

"What the fuck is that all about?" asked Athrun's bestest friend.

"What the fuck is that racket, and what are you two doing on my balcony this early in the morning? Don't you two have lives?" said a still half-asleep Shinn as he slid the patio door and entered the balcony. He also exited his living room-kitchen place at the same time.

"I lost the keys to my house, Athrun lost the map to his house, so I figured this would be the best place to strand ourselves. Athrun's anti-psychotics have worn out, so don't pay attention to his random psycho rants." Explained Kira as Shinn roared a loud yawn that reeked of morning breath.

"How did you guys get up here in the first place?"

"We farted our way up here." Answered Kira.

"AAAAH! RUN! It's gonna eat you!" Yelled Athrun in panic.

"What's wrong with Crack-Head?" Asked Shinn.

"He's scared of that pickle jar filled with rotten giant looking disgusting pickles."

"Oh that. Its just there to scare the crows away. I bought it form a yard sale, and the dude who sold it to me told me that the pickles would come to life if ever a fly pooped on it." Explained Shinn, "But I didn't believe the bastard, I just thought the annoying crows would be scared of it."

"Why didn't you buy a scarecrow?" asked Kira.

"Because they remind me of my mother."

"What's wrong with your mother?"

"She is scary, and so are scarecrows." Answered Shinn. Both Kira and Shinn ignored the fact that Athrun was freaking out endlessly, in fear of the pickle jar.

"Athrun, I want to ask you something that might calm you down." Said Kira with concern, "What kind of kind of cracker would Shinn be?"

"Anti-Sociables, but that's not of importance at the moment, the pickles are gonna -- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" yelled Athrun as he interrupted himself and pointed towards the pickle jar, which had lost its lid. Giant mushy green tentacles popped out of the jar.

Twelve thick mushy tentacles rose from the lid and widened their mouths, revealing thousands of itty-bitty sharp pointy blood-stained teeth. Each mouth screeched in a different tone in chorus, which created an atonal nightmare for all nearby eardrums.

"Oh my fucking jelly-bean! It's a fucking octopus, we're all gonna be its supper!" screeched Athrun as loud and high as the screeching tentacles.

"Octopuses have eight legs, and its breakfast time, Crack-Head!" snapped Shinn to Athrun. He seemed to have been the only one that wasn't scared shitless of what popped out of the pickle jar.

The tentacles slammed down on the patio and dragged the body that remained in the pickle jar. The body of this treacherous creature was but a bowling ball. One of the tentacles slithered towards Kira, wrapped itself around his body.

"Ah! Help me! It gots me! Noooooo!" cried Kira in fear as the bowling ball with slimy pickle legs crawled its way down the apartment, towards the sidewalk, which was made of dried up toast, since the mayor of the town was too cheap to use cement to make his sidewalks. The streets were made of long strands of black lickerish, too, just so you know.

"KIRAAAAA!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" hollered Athrun at the top of his lungs, "Shinn! We must save him, before the creepy bowling ball pickle thing nibbles at him, turning into a carcass, ad then a skeleton!"

Shinn shrugged his shoulders and entered his apartment, headed to the fridge, grabbed can a root beer, wishing it was real beer, and went back outside to enjoy the rest of the show this awkward morning offered him.

"Shinn! I'm gonna use my supper hero powers in order to save Kira!" stated Athrun as a little bit of hope glittered in his emerald eye-balls.

An evil grin shaped itself on Shinn's face, "Oh, please go, Athrun! Fly to your friend!" he tried not to do the evil giggle as he spoke those words. "Hurry!"

"Alrighty!" said Athrun as he approached the balcony and sprung off from it, just like Superman would, but unlike Superman, he fell down rather than flying towards his trapped friend. He fell face first into the crunchy, toasty sidewalk.

He got up to see the menacing immense creature that held Kira captive. The twelve mouths at the end of each tentacle were poking their tongues at the not so heroic super hero.

Shinn laughed so hard at the fallen hero that he passed out from loss of breath. Athrun got up and dashed across the street towards the menace that menaced him. He almost got run over by a kid ridding a tricycle, but he survived what could have become a bloody mess.

"Let Kira go!" ordered Athrun.

The bowling ball turned around to face Athrun, and said with a voice as deep as the sea and said: "To free your friend, you must annoy me."

Athrun dug deep into his jean pockets to find something that would help him annoy his enemy. He felt something soft and pulled it out. It was a pack of Kleenex.

He put his hand in his pocket until he found a straw. He made spit balls and shot them at his enemy until he ran out of Kleenex five hours later.

"Hurry up, Athrun, Pickle-dude and I are both dying of boredom." Pleaded Kira.

Athrun pondered for about seven seconds and three quarters and he thought of something annoying enough; he started to sing "The Song That Doesn't End" over and over until dusk painted the sky in darkening colours.

"I'm not annoyed yet," said the 'Pickle-dude-thing', "That's my favourite song!"

"Ah! Dammit! I'll just tickle you to death!" said Athrun as he began to tickle one of the bowling ball's tentacles.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled all the tentacles in chorus as the strange creature melted and sizzeled away. It soon turned into purple Play-Doh.

"YAY! I'm saved! Thanks a bunch, buddy!" said Kira. He soon noticed that Athrun wasn't paying attention at all to his friend; instead, he squished a portion of Play-Doh between his index and his thumb.

"Tee-hee! Squishy-squishy-squishy," rambled Athrun. He inserted the bit of Play-Doh into his mouth and masticated it. He spit it out faster than he had put it in his mouth. "Eww! Tastes like thirty-day-old KFC mixed with orange juice!"

Kira grabbed Athrun's arm and dragged him back to his feet. "Come on, dude, let's ask for directions to your house." And so their quest to find Athrun's map (which they will never find, thanks to Kira) and to find Kira's house keys, (which were in his back pocket all along) continued as the sun fell west-ward, followed by a dark night sky speckled with firefly stars.

**Well, this is it for now, there are only two chapters of this story left, and I intend to finish it before the new year, which is only three days from now. ****Review, or I'll throw you Shinn's pickle jar!**


	9. Virginity Man

**This before last chapter wouldn't exist ****if it wasn't for my buddy! (thanks for the idea, my dear asshole! ;) ) anyways, read it, or ELSE!!!!... I will send my invisible fairy agents after your bum-bum! Muananananaaaa chokes on jalapeño chips!**

**Gundam WEED Chapter 9: Virginity Man **

In an airplane filled with one hundred and three people heading to San José, Costa Rica, Arthur, the quirky, clumsy co-pilot nodded his head every time the main pilot, and his instructor, Talia gave him useful instructions, so that Arthur can also someday become a full pledged pilot.

So far, no good.

"Listen, Arthur, you are by far the most useless person I've trained so far!" screamed Talia with a tone as cold as her icy eyes.

"But, sir, I understand everything you are teaching me!" said Arthur in his fake British accent.

"It's Ma'am, by the way, and why the hell did you turn left when I told you to turn right?"

"I did turn right… oh darn… I got mixed up again." Sighed Arthur as he slapped his forehead, just like in those V8 commercials.

"Grrr… Why do you keep hiring idiots, Gilbert!" muttered Talia to herself, until she remembered that this was the first person she has ever hired all by her self. She slapped her forehead just like Arthur just did.

**Meanwhile, where the passengers are**

Meer was sitting comfortably on her cushy blue seat, as she listened to her stupid red Haro sing the booger worm song over and over:

"Because I taste like a booger, and I look like a worm, bet you never seen a booger that could squirm, I'll be here when you sneeze, I'll be here when you cough, cuz I'm stuck on your finger and you can't shake me off, because I…"

Meer giggled her self silly, while Flay, who happened to be randomly sitting right beside her, wiggled in impatience. It looked like she had ants in her pants. Maybe she did.

We will never know for sure. Unless we take a peek up her pant legs, which we don't want to do, since it might be scary, or even dangerous!

"Make that annoying red ball thing shut the fuck up!" yelled Flay, fed up at Meer and Mr. Red's

stupidity.

"No!" snapped Meer as she poked her tongue out. Flay, who was sitting at a window seat, in case you didn't know, grumbled non-understandable mumblings as she looked outside of the tiny window. Some people prefer window seats in a plane, but Flay was not one of them.

Space worms of all the colours of the rainbow flew by every once in a while. Some of them even juxtaposed themselves in order to make letters. Meer looked at the space worms in awe, while Flay looked at them in not-so-awe.

"F! There goes an F! F, F!" cried out Mr. Red in robotic excitement.

"Turn that fucking thing off!" ordered Flay with a flare of temper.

"What's your fucking problem? PMS-ing or what?" asked Meer.

"No, just fuck off!"

"But I wanna know-oo-wo-oo-wo!"

"I'll puke on you if you don't shut the fuck up!"

"An L! I see an L!" interrupted Mr. Red, but Meer and Flay were too busy arguing to even notice the poor guy.

"So you're pregnant?" asked Meer.

"Bingo." Said Flay, as her pride was crumbled like crackers in soup.

"HAHAHA! Bitch-lady didn't know how to use porcetion!"

"It's protection, you twat!" and like that, a catfight was started.

"An A! It's An A!" yelled the ignored annoying red haro as our two un-favourite characters continued their catfight. (no offence to the Flay and Meer fans out there..)

As they continued their verbal war, the subject changed like normal people change their underwear. The topic went from who was better in bed than whom, to whose hair was the nicest, to who had the sharpest nails, and so on. Mr. Red interrupted again by spotting the letter Y. he remained ignored.

**And now back to the cockpit!**

"Why are you dancing around like an idiot!" asked Talia, as her patience thinned, like skin dipped in acid.

"I gotta pee! Can I go to the bathroom?" answered Arthur, as tears filled his wide eye balls.

"Go ahead! The janitor can probably do a better job than you as a co-pilot than you, fruit cake!"

"Hooray-ee-yay-ee-yoooooo!" exclaimed Arthur as he rushed out of the cockpit and made his way to the bathroom.

**And, now back to where the passengers are, it's useless to say, but I put it here anyways ok?**

On his way to pee-pee land, he spotted a pair of ditzy, not to mention hot looking girls (especially the pink haired one with the melon chest) who were arguing about whatever it is that girls their age argue about.

He would never know what the topic would be, because when he was their age, he had no friends, and the girls back then ran away from his as if he was a bad fart, or something of the repulsive sort.

He entered the scary bathroom, did his business, wondered where his droppings would end up when he flushed, washed his hands, pulled his pants back up, because he forgot to do so, and then he did all sorts of other things I won't describe, because I'm lazy, and he walked out, and headed back towards the cockpit wile he hummed the Mission Impossible theme, because it was it favourite song, and I definitely will end this run on sentence now.

As Arthur skipped down the rows of seats, he (accidentally) ran into Flay, who stood up to stretch, and was in the way.

"You pervert, you!" yelled Flay as she cat scratched Arthur's face. Well, she tried to. Due to her bad aim, Flay ended up slashing a passing bunny in two perfectly symmetric pieces. Or was it a frog?

"Oh, stop trying to get attention," said Meer, "it's not like he grabbed your ass, or something."

"You wouldn't know what that's like," barked Flay, "it's not my fault that you're into guys with no hands!"

"Agh! You don't even know what love is. You care too much about the size of their hands!" meowed Meer.

"An I! I see an I! And an S! Youpi!" declared the always ignored Mr. Red.

"Oh, come on, it's far more entertaining that way!" snarled Flay, "but you wouldn't know, guys with no hands must have no--"

"At least I'm not pregnant!" oinked Meer.

"Oh children!" mooed Arthur, "Young pretty ladies such as you should not be speaking of sinful things like intercourse!" Both Meer and Flay stared at the quirky co-pilot with big fish eyes and cocked their heads slightly to the left.

"Are you on crack, mister co-pilot man?" asked Meer.

"If you're here, then who the peanut is steering the plane?" asked Flay in sudden panic.

"A W! It's a W!" said Mr. Red, who didn't realize tha no one was paying any attention to him.

"That's why there's a pilot and a janitor, you twit!" squawked Meer into Flay's ear drum.

"Oh what poor, mislead children," sighed Arthur as the violin in his heart kept on strumming the Titanic theme.

"Wait! This looks like a job for," Arthur spun around quickly, and smoke and froot loops surrounded him, like magic.

And poof, he was wearing noting but a yellow fleece blanket cape and a red leather chastity belt. "Virginity Man!" declared Arthur, loud and proud as the smoke evaporated, and the froot loops rained down onto other passenger's heads. But they didn't notice, because they were all asleep.

"An H! Yay for H! Haro, Haro!" clucked Mr. Red.

The two ditzies gaped and their eyeballs rolled back and stared into the emptiness of their skulls. Their faces got pale and they nearly fainted.

"Now, I am here to rescue you from bad education, and te teach you that chastity is the right way, until you find that significant other that will be with you forever," Said Arthur with pride in his speech, but then his shoulders lowered, his eyes grew sad, but he kept on:

"But that person always bails out on you, grows tired of you after a while, and eventually ditches you for someone else, someone that smells better, someone that claims to be less boring or dull, and, because, because--" Tears interrupted his own speech, and he bawled his eyes out uncontrollably.

"An O! Boy-O-Boy, an O an O!" You know who said that, so there's no point in saying it anymore. Bleh!

"Love sucks! Life sucks! Someone save me from my agonizing misery that stable at my throbbing heart! You will always be my precious rose, even if you've left me in the cold of the ashes of your past!" cried Arthur , now delusional. He then plunged head first into the small window, with hopes of jumping out but he bounced back three feet, and landed on the floor, knocking himself out silly.

"An R! R! R! R! RRRRRRRR!!!" said Mr. Red, ruining the emotionality of the previous moment.

"Hehehe… Did you just see that!" blurted Flay in laughter, forgetting that she was in the middle of an argument.

"I know! What a fruit cake!" said Meer, laughing louder than thunder. "Hey everybody! The co-pilot just knocked the shit out of himself! Bahahahah!" but the sleeping passengers remains asleep. Maybe they were dead of chronic boredom.

"An E! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Mr. Red, who wasn't dead, since he wasn't bored. Who knew space worms could be so fun!

And then, this before last chapter ended, since Talia exited the cockpit, in search for her now dead co-pilot. But she forgot to do one thing before leaving. She forgot to ask the experienced janitor to take her place to steer the plane.

So it veered out of control, and crashed into the mouth of a volcano. And everyone who hadn't died of boredom, or of lovesickness, like our friend Arthur, sizzled to death as the volcano swallowed the airplane.

**There's capitulo nueve for ya! ****Chapter 10 should be completed soon, since I'm in a very angry mood, therefore I will get off my lazy ass, write the final installment, and then do my two big essays that are due next week later. But then again, I might decide to actually do my homework, so don't shoot me if you wait long for the last chunk of randomosity. **

**P.S. REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	10. Run! Hide! It'sIt's Just Lacus?

Run

**Before you read the final ****installment of this story, I would like to apologize for the long time you waited for an update, if you even care, that is. I've been busy with school, and work, and more school. And partying. Without any further adieu, dere ya go! **

**Gundam WEED Chapter ****10: Run! Hide! It's…It's... Lacus? **

Kira returned home after a long hard day of relaxation at the beach. He was indeed exhausted. He spotted a green shiny apple on the outside picnic table. He picked it up, licked it and placed it back onto the table.

He crossed the lawn and reached his door. He turned the doorknob, pushed the door open, and finally entered his house. He then locked the door behind him, as a force of habit.

He just couldn't wait for Lacus' reaction when he gave her their two year anniversary gift. He bought her a can of Spegatti-os with a pink bow on it, since it was his favourite meal in the whole entire world. The fact that she didn't have to cook for one whole night must be the greatest reaction in the world.

Kira heard the shower running. The muffled voice of his girlfriend sang the never-ending ever-annoying song. That's right: _Shizuka na_ _yoru ni._ Kira wondered when Lacus would write a new song. This one was growing old. Very old. It even had wrinkles.

Kira headed towards the kitchen, to look for salami in the fridge, in order to temporarily sooth his hungry tummy. As soon as he opened the fridge door, a bright purple light blinded his eyes, then Cagalli popped out of the fridge.

"Hi, Kira!" exclaimed Cagalli, as if in a crazed sugar rush.

"Hey, you." Said a very puzzled Kira, "Did you just pop out of my fridge?"

"Sure did!" she answered, "I bought this new fridge as Sears, and it had a teleporting setting."

"Cool beans!"

"Oh ya! It's so cool. I can go from fridge to fridge and steal other people's food!" stated Cagalli, "well, I gotta go back home now, thanks for the salami, bro! Later!"

Kira sighed as he realized that his sister had stolen his salami. It was the only thing in the entire house that he didn't need to cook in order to eat. He couldn't eat the Spegatti-os until Lacus got out of the shower. This won't be for quite some time.

Kira and his hungry stomach made their way to the living room, where they watched re-runs. Summer TV really does suck in the wonderful world of anywhere. Forty minutes later, Lacus finally got out of the shower. She seemed to be in a pouty mood. Perhaps she was PMS-ing. Perhaps she wanted salami, but couldn't have any.

"Happy anniversary, Lacus-Pie!" Said Kira to Lacus from the living room. "Lacus?" Kira wondered why Lacus didn't answer. She can usually hear from this distance. Anyone without a hearing problem could have easily heard.

Kira decided to return to the kitchen to assure Lacus' safety, because safety always comes first.

"Lacus, sweeti--"

"What did you do with the rest of the salami, you pig faced bastard?" yelled, yes, yelled Lacus in outrage.

"But, Cagalli stole it! She teleported here via fridge, and stole the damn salami!"

"My ass she did! You're a little to old to be blaming your sister for stupid things like that, you slob!" said the pink-haired terror.

"But it's true this time," confessed Kira as Lacus pulled a butcher knife from the drawer. "But I bought you some spegatti-os for our anniversary, so you don't have to be mad."

"Mad? Mad? MAD?!" screeched Lacus in a rather crazed tone. She threw the knife, which zipped above Kira's head, slicing a few threads of hair off. "You haven't seen my mad face yet, Mister Man!" she threw more random things Kira's way.

"But, it's the thought of the gift that counts, not the actual thing!" Kira was trying to defend himself with words, because he was too much of a wuss to physically defend himself.

"But our anniversary was LAST WEEK you moron!" She kept on throwing things at him. Kira dodged a saw, a butter knife, Haro, a twister mat, and a cleaver. He failed to dodge the rubber ducky, which hit him right smack in the middle of his zit less face.

This caused him to fall backwards onto the cold ceramic floor. He knocked his head on the corner of the doorframe, and passed out.

_In a field where smarties grow from trees. Where the sky is pink and made of grapefruit juice. Where the bees steal honey form shoes, Kira sat upside down beneath the smarties tree, unable to move a muscle. _

_Unable to speak._

_Ripe smarties of various size and colours rained __down on his behind. He could hear the distant laughers of a child. The distant child seemed to be laughing at him. Or so he thought. The voice grew closer and closer. _

_As the distance between them diminished, the voice grew more and more familiar and understandable._

"_Help!" it cried "Help me escape from the jelly bean's curse!"_

_But Kira could not help the voice in need, for he still couldn't move or speak. He tried to answer the voice, but his lips were sewed together by dental floss. The voice giggled some more and fluttered away._

Kira woke up to the sound of a drill spinning way through his left index finger.

"In the quiet night, I'm waiting for you, to get your ass home, so I could rip you, into small shreds…" sans Lacus in a trance.

He pulled his finger away, causing it to rip it off his hand. He screamed so loud, that the glass of Lacus' mind shattered. It dawned on him that he was in fact in the garage, on the old table they once got at the 49 cent store.

"I never imagined this flimsy table to be useful, until now, my dear featherfluff." Said Lacus in a cold, almost reptilian tone. Her tongue even slithered. Freaky.

Kira got up quicker than sand, and jolted through the cardboard garage door. This was the only time he was ever thankful for not buying a real garage door. What's the point? The only thing someone could take was a drill, a hammer, and a 49 cent table. Big woop.

He ran into the street, but as he leapt into the next lane, he felt a large pain take over the right side of his body. He felt several bones crack and dislocate. The world around him spun for a while. When he was recomposed, he looked to his right.

He screamed blood as he noticed an ever growing pool of blood stand where his right arm once was. How useful is a man with one arm, three fingers, and one thumb? He couldn't even tie his own shoelaces anymore.

"Oh Kira!" exclaimed Lacus from the curb, "You just saved me some work! Good job, for once, you bumbubble!"

"Lacus! Help! You can't be doing this to me!" whined Kira as the psychopathic Lacus made her way towards him. She stared at him right in the eyes. The clear sky matched her aqua eyes. Her eyes were so clear, that even dolphins could be seen jumping up and down inside them.

"Didn't your grandma ever tell you to wear nice underwear in public?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Kira, in deep confuzalation.

"You're pants are on that fire hydrant over there. You should have worn the belt I bought you last week for our ANNIVERSARY!"

"Oooh. I see." That was the only thing that Kira was able to say. His underwear were flashy green with yellow and purple smily faces. "I like pie!" was written all over them in fancy blue writing.

Lacus began to giggle like a tickled child, but more crazily. "Do you like waffles, Kira?"

"Why are you asking that? Just call a damn ambulance before I run out of blood!"

"Just answer the fucking question!" screamed Lacus as she stepped on Kira's left hand. He winced in pain. He then cried skittles from his amethyst eyes.

"Altight. Yes. I like waffles. Now can you call the ambulance?" asked Kira, as restless as ever.

"Do you like pancakes, Kira?"

"What's with this random shit! I can't take this crap no more!"

"Do you like fren--" before Lacus could finish her next question, Super Pollo the super chicken with super tasty powers, flew down and plucked her eyes out. Super Pollo then pooped a bomb on her, and then Lacus exploded into millions and millions of little bits.

Super Pollo scooped up her remains and sent them to the dog food factory. He then picked Kira up and flew him to the moon, where he was taken to the fashion police, to be questioned about his undergarments.

Three hours later, Super Pollo brought Kira to the veterinarian, where his missing arm was replaced by a kangaroo's arm. He couldn't find anything fit for a finger, so Super Pollo replaced it by a Popsicle stick.

"Thank you ever so much!" said Kira in newfound joy.

"Cluck cluck." Answered Super Pollo.

THE END! Y PUNTO!

**That's it for this story. ****I hope you enjoyed it, and please PLEASE review. Or else, I will send Lacus after you and she'll torture you more than she did Kira. That's all I gotta say for now. I don't have much to say other than I'm high on cold medicine. Yay colds! Jaa ne! **


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